whatchuhmuhcallit, i really like you.

last night was completely uncalled-for. all i wanted was to have a good time. i know that you must realize what an uncomfortable position i was in, but i got over it. i said hello to you, not to be a bitch or to be fake, but because i have no problems with you whatsoever. i don't dislike you. even now. the night was going so well. i had no problems with anyone. i was having fun. but then you had to go off and assume things again, and cause more drama with me. i was not talking about you. i didn't go off on you because i was guilty, i went off because i was having such a good night and i was mad you had to go and ruin it. i know that you and anyone else would've reacted the exact same way if someone just went off and started yelling and asking, "was she just talking about me?!" no, i wasn't. i seriously can not even understand how you got that i was talking about you based off of the things i was saying. you know what was going on in the moments before you flipped out? the band that i wanted to see was about to play and chris could hear them so he said we should go downstairs, but randy asked me to go with him to get some water. i was joking around with randy and said, "no, randy, we must go downstairs! christopher demands it!" i have no clue how you can get that i was talking about you from those statements, but somehow you did. again, when are you going to learn that if you have a problem with someone, you should just approach them calmly about it? because you're really just making a fool of yourself.

the second time you thought i was talking about you, i was. however, i wasn't standing there and saying bad things about you. brianna asked me why you flipped out on me for no reason, so i started to explain that we had been talking but you ended it and then felt like i keep trying to make you look bad. then you flipped out again, which is only making yourself look bad. i don't need to say anything bad about you to make you look bad, you do it all by yourself.

then randy went over and things seemed to be calmed down. i didn't ask him to go over there. i asked him repeatedly not to go over there because i didn't know if you'd flip out at him too and i didn't want him to have to deal with it. but he did anyway, and things seemed fine.

finally, i get downstairs to see the band i want to see. it's a hardcore show. people thrash around. people dance. people punch each other. people have fun. that's it. so i ran in thrashing around. how in the world was i supposed to know you would be leaving as i was coming in? i didn't hit you, and i wasn't trying to. the second i saw you i jumped away so i wouldn't hit you. but still, you make some stupid gesture that you're going to hit me, which i didn't see, but i guess chris did. again, ridiculous. even if i had hit you, you should know it wouldn't be intentional. i had my feet stepped on so many times last night, i had so many people push me and run into me, but that's to be expected. it's a hardcore show. realize your surroundings.

i do not talk bad about you. i have absolutely no problems with you until you start screaming at me over nothing. even now, i don't dislike you. i know you were just upset and that's why you went off. i'm really just sick of dealing with you. i've done nothing to you. at all.

"his face was like the autumn sky, overcast one moment and bright the next."

i can't even fathom it, but that was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

- today, you let go. really, you let go quite a few days ago, but only let me know today because i approached you about it. i'm disappointed that we lost the honesty aspect of it all, because i would have appreciated a little consideration. you could have said something instead of just ignoring me. i'm not even mad about that though, only slightly peeved. it does bother me that you say we can't be friends though. joseph and i were together for a year and a half and we could be friends in the end. you say it will be awkward to be friends. it is going to be more awkward to ignore each other than to actually be normal. it's fine though. it's your decision. you're just another boy.

"while you weren't listening, all our love songs became sad songs."

i'm sick, and i'm tired. and i have these two main things on my mind right now.

- i wish you could just be solid. i wish you would just be excited and happy like you're supposed to be in the beginning. i don't know where i wanted this to go, or where i thought it would go, but i embraced it. it made me happy and excited. it made me giddy. i just want to be able to enjoy the beginning. i wanted there to be a beginning, but for whatever reason, you can't let that happen. i don't know if you're scared, or if it's your ego, or if it's because there's no chase. i don't know what it is, but i wish you would just pull it together. i really do want something with you.

- i don't like you, but i love you. i don't like anything about you. the more i think about you, the angrier to get. i realize you just used me. i also realize that i was the great one in everything, which is funny because i always thought i didn't deserve you. but you, you weren't all that i thought you were. you're lazy, and forgetful, and unappreciative, and unreliable. all i ever wanted was to make you happy. i drove you everywhere, i bought you things, i often paid when we went out, i paid for you to spend time with your friends, and i did it all happily. i never thought of it as a chore or an inconvenience. i did it because i loved you. but you never appreciated anything, which is why i felt like i was a bad girlfriend. i felt like i wasn't making you happy, like i wasn't doing enough. but i realize often through other people's relationships that i did a whole lot more for you than most would ever dream, and it's not that i wasn't doing enough, but that you just didn't appreciate all the things i did for you. my only bad quality was that i was jealous, but so were you. i can't understand how you were the one who dumped me. but the sad thing is, i love you. because even though now i know you were lying in the end, i still know that my feelings were true. everything i said, i meant. i knew i would never hurt you. i knew i would never break your heart. i truly wanted a future with you. i truly thought we could make it. i believed in us. i believed in you. you let me down. i can't decide which part of this whole thing hurts the most.

i am so frustrated, from last night and today more than anything.

rehearsal, when it's just exit one, is so great. there's no problems, no drama, nothing. we're focused and we work and it's fun. last night beginning choir, concert choir, and ssa all joined exit one. it was a train-wreck. not only was the stage way too crowded, but there was so much drama as well. i don't remember being like that when i was in beginning choir and ssa. i respected the upper choirs, and i worked hard to do well, and i listened. however, these kids, they're horrible. they're mean to each other and they talk back and they have no self-control. one girl made another girl cry. one girl was cussing people out on stage. it was complete and utter chaos and totally unnecessary. it was ridiculous. like lindsey said last night, now i understand exit one's sense of superiority.

then we add work into the mix. i called lindsey because i had missed her call, and she was really upset, almost in tears, because it turns out she has to work tonight. last week, on either wednesday or thursday, i saw the schedule and saw that lindsey was scheduled to work six to close tonight, so i asked joe to take her shift because we wanted to go to the westcreek game. he agreed, so we're thinking it's all good. however, today when lindsey went into work to get her paycheck, she found out that evidently joe didn't write down anywhere that he had agreed to take her shift, and he forgot, and he told another girl he would take her shift from four to nine. so, due to the fact that joe is irresponsible, lindsey is stuck working tonight. it's completely unfair. she asked him first. he agreed. it should be his problem, not hers.
also, when i went in to get my paycheck, the managers approach me and say, "why didn't you go to the conference call last night?" let me explain something. conference calls are every-other-monday. i went in on monday, and waited for about ten minutes. no one ever showed up for the conference call, so i texted the woman in charge and she said that there was no conference call that night, however our managers neglected to inform us of that. so, i guess she rescheduled it to thursday, but again, no one informed joe or i of that fact, so we didn't go. so then today my managers are all mad at me because i didn't go, but no one told me. it's so ridiculous. everyone is so irresponsible. they must've gotten an email from her informing them of the changes about the conference calls, and they just neglected to tell us. it's so frustrating.

but my birthday is tomorrow! :)

joseph and i haven't spoken in a few days. i'm indifferent, it's whatever. however, he just texted me. not just to talk or anything, just to ask me for a favor. which is frustrating in it of itself because we never talk unless he wants something from me. and it's even worse because he asked me to take his shift on saturday. saturday is my birthday. really? really, we were together a year and a half and he can't remember my birthday? this is ridiculous. i'm glad we broke up. obviously i was absolutely nothing to him. how incredibly inconsiderate.

"you manipulated me tonight, you clever girl. you twisted your way into it, knowing how to get exactly what you wanted.

and i loved every second of it. i want someone who can outsmart me."

i am so happy. i love exit one. i love all the boys and girls in there. i love the dances, even though i'm having some trouble. i just love it. i'm so happy. it makes me proud.

and by the way, i am moving on.

everybody just wants to be loved.

"i have an incredible attraction to you, beyond my belief. you are gorgeous in my eyes, every single inch. i love how comfortable i am around you, and vice versa. i love how shy you are, and still can gain the courage to kiss me on the cheek for no reason. everything just makes me lightheaded."

my photobucket is depressing.
http://s13.photobucket.com/albums/a254/Embarrassment/Icons%20and%20Banners/
password: punkrock


Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' in tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles, Chasin' tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

Ohhhh oooooo
Ahhhh oooooo
Ohhhh oooooo
Ohhhh oooooo

i don't really consider spending time with your boyfriend dating. so technically, i feel that i've only ever been on one date, and it was my first and only date with joseph. however, tomorrow joseph and i are going on our first doule date. we're going to dinner and a movie with samantha and her boyfriend nick. i'm pretty excited, just because we've never really been on a double date before. we're going to see land of the lost and then go to cheeseburger charlie's afterward. it's going to be so fun. we all hung out together at asia's party on saturday and joseph and nick hit it off really well, so we figured this would be fun.

wednesday is mine and joseph's one year and three months, :D.

thursday night matthew is coming into town. i am so excited! we haven't seen him since florida last year. i think he's out of graduate school now.

friday night my dad and tamara are throwing a going away party for some friends my dad has known almost as long as i've been alive.

saturday matthew is taking rachel and i to west virginia to stay with his mom and dad while daddy and tamara are in hawaii for the week. i'm excited. i love their family so much. florida was so great last year. i've never been to west virginia either, so that will be cool.

sims 3 is out. nick has it. i'm mad about that. i still need to get my computer all fixed up before i can buy it. it'll be a while. with my next paycheck, i'm going to buy my books for my summer assignment. it'll probably take me two or three paychecks to get my computer fixed. but it will be worth it. i can't wait.

i changed my mind about getting a chinchilla. i still want one so bad. i still go to the pet store to stare at them longingly. but they live a long time and i think it's probably better to wait until i'm moved into an apartment and everything, because some apartments don't allow pets. i'd hate to have chuck the chinchilla and then have to get rid of him.

we got a new show at work. it's alright. but i love one song. "summer time, summer time, just can't get you off my mind. there's no time like summer time with you!" i <3 cectv.

i've barely worked at all lately, but i work tomorrow and i'm dreading going. i'm so tired. although luckily, it's the only day i work this week. i have saturday and sunday off. i really should talk to kahlil and try to sleep over at her house on saturday. it'd be the first time in forever that i could stay past 9:30am. i always have work the night of and the following morning, and we barely have time to hang out.

so i work tomorrow, five to close. i hope i close quickly. i don't want to be there all night. i have saturday off, because i requested off for rivers and spires. joseph has a soccer game at nine in the morning somewhere far away, and then work from six to ten. i figure he can go to his soccer game and be home around twelve or so, and then we can go to rivers and spires to see branon jaggers perform wherever he's performing, and also catch exit one's performance. then hang around, see all the things there are to see and just have fun. then i'll take him to work and probably go back to rivers and spires because the original reason i requested off was because my friend chris that i work with is in a band and he's performing at rivers and spires. so i'll go back, catch the opposed and then oath. then i could go to kahlil's. i should invite kahlil to my second-half of rivers and spires so i can start hanging with her earlier. i don't know. i'll need to find her tomorrow at lunch and sort everything out. then i have sunday off. i don't know if i want that to be a lazy day or if i want to hang out with joseph. his mom will probably want a family day anyway since he will have been gone all day saturday, that is, if he's able to hang out saturday. they might say no. too much time together.

joseph starts work at chuck e. cheese's on monday. i really want to be there when he starts his orientation and training. i want to train him, i think it would be so cool. i think working together might be weird though. i guess i have a really different personality at work. we'll see. i think overall it's going to be fine though, and i definitely think it'll be good for him. chuck e. cheese's is more hours, way more hours. it's a good thing soccer season is almost over too, because i think it'd be hard to work in cec with soccer.

tomorrow is thirteen months, also. however, we can't hang out since i have work.

exit one tryouts were today. we learned the dance on tuesday and wednesday, and then performed today. this year was so much different than last year. one, last year i picked up the dance a lot easier and i felt like the people teaching us the dance were much better teachers. and two, last year we had other teachers as judges too, people involved in arts as well; like mister adames and coach silvers, but this year it was just seniors and miss wilson. i think i'll make it, but i honestly feel like my tryout last year was much better than this year. i knew the dance one hundred percent last year, and this year i was a little uneasy. i feel like my solo last year was better, just because i remember the reaction after i performed and everyone was really surprised and praised me a lot. this year, i think my solo was good and i had compliments from my friends, but i don't feel like i was as impressive as last year's. i do think i'm going to make it though, and i really hope lindsey makes it with me. i'll miss her next year if i don't have her. either way though, i'm going to be happy. if i don't make exit one, i'm going to quit choir altogether and take psychology (one HUGE plus to that is that i'll have mister warren TWICE a day! :D). and then obviously if i make exit one, i'm going to be happy. there's no downfall to this.

i want to go to sleep but i want to see the end to this episode of celebrity apprentice, even though it's a pretty old episode by now. my dad's been downstairs doing i don't know what and the television has been paused for probably around thirty minutes to an hour, and i want to see the ending.

i'm out. i haven't written in forever.

i can never bring myself to write anything anymore.

what if we stop having a ball?
what if the paint chips from the wall?
what if there's always cups in the sink?
what if i'm not what you think i am?

what if i fall further than you?
what if you dream of somebody new?
what if i never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
well what if i do?

cause...
i am giving up on making passes and
i am giving up on half empty glasses and
i am giving up on greener grasses.
i am giving up.

what if our baby comes home after nine?
what if your eyes close before mine?
what if you lose yourself sometimes?
then i'll be the one to find you, safe in my heart.

cause...
i am giving up on making passes and
i am giving up on half empty glasses and
i am giving up on greener grasses.
i am giving up.

cause...
i am giving up.
i am giving up.
i am giving up on greener grasses.

i am giving up for you.
i am giving up for you.
i am giving up.

my spring break:

march 30, 2009:
11am-4pm showroom

march 31, 2009:
5pm-close showroom

april 1, 2009:
5pm-close showroom

april 2, 2009:
off

april 3, 2009:
10am-5pm showroom

april 4, 2009:
10am-6pm showroom

april 5, 2009:
off